THE MOST USEFUL THING EVER
This is useful when you're pregnant, every single time you think about labor and birth.
It's also useful, pregnant or not, at the dentist, on stage, during an argument, when you crave tobacco/sugar/heroin, when you can't sleep, in a traffic jam, in a courtroom, when your doctor says you're an "interesting case," and when your toddler spreads ketchup on the walls AGAIN.
You don't have to do it right. You don't have to do it well. You've probably done it lots of times already. You just have to remember to do it. You can do it right now, and it only takes 15 seconds. Ready?
Take a big breath as low in your belly as you can, and melt your face.
Take another breath, maybe even a little lower in your belly, and let your jaw go soft.
Take another one, and melt your shoulders too.
(If you need help with the melting part, think about the butter you left out on the kitchen table last August. Or the 3/4 of your body that really is just made of warm water, 98.6 degrees, held together by some bones and cells. Or what happens to ice cream in the microwave.)
How do you feel now?
Did you have any idea how much tension you were holding in your jaw and shoulders?
You might feel less nervous now. You might feel less pain. You might get a little glimpse of who you are, underneath all the stuff going on in your head.
You might also feel more nervous or more pain. That's because this can put you in touch with what you were trying so hard not to feel. That's okay. Keep breathing, and read this:
THINGS WE DON’T WANT TO FEEL...
...tend to boss us around. They tell us to tighten up, to hide behind addictive or compulsive behavior, to try to escape.
There are two kinds of Things We Don't Want To Feel.
One kind -- like memories of trauma -- should indeed be left alone, or, maybe better, explored only in the company of a good friend or skillful therapist. Sometimes it really is a good idea to "change the channel" on troubling thoughts or feelings. While distractions like sugar, alcohol, or television might be appealing, it's probably more effective to try a quick walk, or a hot bath, or roll your shoulders around, or do something else that gets your blood flowing and your body engaged.
The other kind is the more ordinary worries, embarrassments, and aches and pains of life. A lot of those things can lose their punch if we breathe them IN (don't worry -- an in-breath only takes about two and a half seconds), during which time we name them, explore them, notice where we feel them in our bodies, and peek at what's lurking underneath them. Then -- this is the important part -- on the OUT breath, we say the word "Calm" to ourselves. Just a few of these in-and-out breaths can be surprisingly relaxing -- it's amazing how much energy it takes NOT to feel our feelings. This technique has a fancy Tibetan name, "Tonglen," but it's so simple that I just call it "Yucky In, Calm Out."
Are your worries trying to tell you something? Is there something you need more information about, or more support with, or do you need to write it down and list some possible solutions? Do you need to plan some sort of action? My friend Dan says, "Don't get all mental about [insert problem here]. DESIGN YOUR LIFE."
LABOR AND BIRTH – WHAT REALLY WORKS?
If you do the little breathing and melting thing throughout your pregnancy, I promise that your pregnancy will be more fun. And maybe when you actually go into labor your body will say, "Oh, I know about this, I think I'll melt," in which case your shoulders won't steal energy from your uterus, you won't be so scared, and the pain and hard work of labor will be more tolerable or even welcome.
But in labor, just breathing and melting might not be adequate at all. While focusing on your breath does have a physiological relaxation effect, you'll probably need several of these:
LOVE from the people around you
WATER like a shower or bath or even just thinking about that 3/4 of your body that is water and can therefore flow however it needs to
RHYTHM like walking, rocking, chanting, counting, bouncing on a physioball
DANCING which is actually great in labor, with a friend, with happy music
MASSAGE on your lower back, your feet, your head and face, your shoulders -- tell them what you want!
WORDS you repeat in your head or out loud: "I'm doing it, I'm doing great," "My body rocks," "Yeah!" or "Run for the light, baby!"
LAUGHING at anything that strikes you silly
MEDICINES can help, but please make informed decisions about risks and benefits
I asked the world's expert on labor, my daughter Jasmine, how she gave birth to an 11-pound baby without drugs. "I don't know, Mom," she said. "Oh, come on, you must know something," I persisted. "I don't know, I just got into my animal place and did my work." There you have it, from the mammal's mouth: go feral, go wild, be as calm as your cat and as strong as a mama ox.
It would be cool if we just laid little eggs. It would be cool if we were like kangaroos, with babies less than an inch long that pop out and crawl up all by themselves into the pocket to nurse and finish growing outside their mommies' bellies. It would even be cool if we were like nonhuman primates, whose pelvic bones don't have to support walking upright, so their babies slip out more easily. But we're still animals, and birth is not something we do with our brilliant minds, it's something we do with our animal muscles and hormones and funny grunting noises. Roar!
